Anna In The After Life #20: God... Damn It!

by
Charles McCarthy

Oscar looked Anna in they eye and began to speak, "The way I see it, there are only three people that could have killed you. It was either your boyfriend Larry, your boyfriend and lawyer Howard, or... God."

"GAWD?" Anna exclaimed, "You think GAWD killed me? That's just crazy."

As she said this, the ground began to shake and Walt Disney sunk into a crack in the earth, back to the depths of hell. A bright light filled the sky and a voice boomed from everywhere. "Anna, I did kill you."

"Gawd? Dang! You killed me?"

"Yes!" God's voice boomed, "I killed you."

Anna and Oscar looked around. Then suddenly the light went away and George Burns was sitting in one of the wiener mobile's empty captain chairs.

"Gawd?" Anna looked at him and asked with a puzzled look on her face.

"Yes Anna."

"I thought them was just movies."

"They were, but I thought this would make things easier for you." he answered.

"This is amazing." Oscar barked.

"That was quite a bit of detective work on your part Oscar. I myself don't really know how you deduced from blow jobs and her memories of dressing like a clown that I was Anna's killer." God said with genuine amazement.

"Well, I was really just saying that maybe no one killed her, and that it was either an accident or something out of any one person's hands." Oscar admitted.

"Oh... Well, I guess maybe I jumped the gun by coming down here and also by banishing Walt to the pits of hell. Oh well." God pondered.

"Wait, but you did kill me? On purposeful?" Anna asked, shocked.

God looked around the wiener mobile, trying to avoid her glare. He finally looked back at her, basking in her large beautiful woman jugs before he answered, "Yes."

"How? Why?"

God stood up and began to pace.

"Tell me." Anna pleaded.

"Well," God made a gesture with his hand and they were all transported to a dirty redneck bar. Time is frozen, "this is The Junction in Blacksheer Georgia before you died. That is Mack." he pointed at a tall, gangly, young, white man with giant curly hair.

Anna Walked up to Mack and looked at him.

"He killed me? Who's he?"

God replied, "Kinda. You see Mack has a code. He won't give out more than one stick of gum to other people in a social situation, but that night I stepped in. Watch."

Time starts and two skanky redneck girls walk up to Mack. One of them asks, "Hey sugar, you got any gum?"

"Yeah." Mack replied and took out some gum and gave her a piece.

"Can I have a piece?" the other skank asked, pushing her breasts towards him.

Mack hesitated for a moment. He opened his mouth to speak, but then just handed her a piece of gum, and Time froze again.

"That is what killed you." God stated.

Anna looked at him like he was crazy.

"That's what killed you." God said again.

"What they hell are you talkin about?"

Oscar chimed in, "Yes, I have to agree. What?"

God snapped his fingers and the scene at the bar fast forwarded till the second skanky redneck girl was leaning in to kiss a truck driver.

"That is Tammy, and that is Rusty." God said pointing them out, "Without the gum that Mack gave her earlier Tammy's breath would have been so bad that even a drunken Rusty wouldn't have kissed her, but Mack did give her the gum, and Rusty did kiss her and did take her home." he snapped his fingers again and the scene fast forwarded to Rusty's trailer.

"Dang!" Tammy exclaimed as she orgasmed.

God pointed at Tammy, "She kept Rusty up all night, gave him a bad case of crabs, and got him fired."

God snapped his fingers again and the scene fast forwarded to Rusty's boss shouting, "Yur four hours late! I don't care what kind of tail you was pullin last night! Yur Fired!"

"Rusty was the driver of the delivery truck that delivers Red Bull energy drink to central Florida. Because he was late and fired, a replacement driver took over his route, and subsequently got lost." he stated snapping his fingers again and fast forwarding to a man getting eaten by an alligator, "That was Tim Risillando. I wanted him dead too. I like to multi-task."

Anna stood shocked watching the alligator chomp down on Tim's head.

"Do you remember going to the store to buy Red Bull the day you died?" God asked.

"Yeah! There wasn't none! You did that?" she exclaimed.

"This is craziness!" Oscar shouted.

"Pipe down Oscar. I work in mysterious ways. You should know that by now." God said with an air of ambivalence.

"Wait. So not havin Red Bull killed me?" Anna said slowly with a question mark stamped on her brow.

God snapped his fingers and the scene fast forwarded to Anna, pool-side at her house.

"What did you do when you didn't have Red Bull to mix your drink with?" God asked, leading her.

"Uhhhh... I don't remember. Dang." Anna admitted.

God stood there looking at her.

"Come on. What did she do?" Oscar asked, getting frustrated.

God snapped his fingers, and the scene unfolded.

Anna walked over to a table with some liquor bottles on it. She poured some Mr. Boston's Vodka into a glass and giggled, "I love drinks."

She picked up an empty can of Red Bull and tried to pour it into her glass. There was nothing there. She looked around sadly, but cheered up when she looked at the pool.

She walked over to the pool and stooped down. She cupped her hand and splashed some pool water into her glass. She stood up, put a straw in the glass, and took a sip.

God snapped his fingers again and time froze.

"There! That's it. That's what killed you."

"What?" Anna and Oscar questioned simultaneously.

God laughed and began to explain, "Have you ever heard of the straw that broke the camels back? Well, that was the straw that broke your back. Your body was so full of drugs and toxins that it only took a little push to throw you into a coma and kill you. You see, the chlorine in your pool water reacted with the alcohol in your vodka and produced chloral hydrate, a small amount, but on top of everything else, enough to kill you."

"Dang! That's complicated!" Anna yelped, still trying to digest what she had just heard, "But WHY?"

"I needed you. I need you Anna. I need your help, and you have more power dead than alive." God answered.

"I don't know. I had three 'True Hollywood Stories.'"

"Just trust me."

"Okay, I guess you are Gawd." she admitted.

Oscar looked from one to another of them, before asking, "What now?"

"This." God in the form of George Burns walked over to Anna and ran his hands over her giant woman orbs of power.

"Okay." Oscar said moving to Anna and kissing her neck.

Oscar quickly buried his sausage in her muddy ghost nether sheath as God continued to please her lady pieces with his fingers and suckle at her woman orbs, quickly bringing Anna to an earth shattering orgasm. Giant chasms opened in the earth and many of the wretched Orlandonites fell to their deaths.

Anna, Oscar, and God began to float off the ground, and the wiener mobile exploded around them like a balloon.

God guided Anna and Oscar into a sixty-nine position and grabbed Anna's hair taking the reins of the flesh chariot that they created. He thrust his large fleshy bishop deep into Anna's waiting angel pocket.

Anna let out a groan of ecstasy as she was stretched to her breaking point, and God began to fill her with his light.

She exploded with a transcendental apocalyptic orgasm that sent another giant shock wave across Orlando and rained fired down on the town. The earth shook and a hole opened in the earth, swallowing Orlando with one gulp.

"DAAAAANG!" Anna shouted at the top of her lungs.

God took her and Oscar's hands and they flew away from the blemished earth of central Florida like Wendy, Peter Pan, and John.

"We destroyed Orlando." Anna said looking back.

"I told you I needed your help." God said.

"Where to now?" Oscar asked.

"I think you know."